I am slowly realising that it is a battle with internal feelings, the difference between feeling good and feeling safe or familiar and trying to recognise the difference between the two. Old familiar patterns of negative self talk feel safe and familiar, criticising myself for my shortcomings, mistakes and wishing I hadn’t done something or trying to change the past would be surefire way it would repeat itself, seeing now it has happened a few times already. To the feeling space, the same feeling happens but also with the same result. Off loading the responsibility to the world to do what I require and is fruitless now.
New patterns are what I want, I am beginning to catch the drift that neurons that fire together wire together and that it is all about practising a habit over and over again, the one that you want, which is positivity. In the long term anyway, and in the immediate, whilst also being able to release and process the negative experience out of your body so you can rejuvenate and build something new. A process of letting go and welcoming in. More specifically that inbetween space where I need to override the actual feelings I have now, the current firing neurons of ‘the past is safe because I survived didn’t I?’ vs ‘sure it feels good to go back but do you know it’s not actually that good because it felt bad at the time remember?’.
And in this process of intentionally using my higher faculties to override the impulses I am trying to move towards more art and doing things that I love and make me feel good. And it goes like this: ‘well the past feels safe and I don’t want to leave and the future is unknown and unfamiliar and remember before when you tried to do it you got burned so that doesn’t seem good either so let’s just stay here and at least its the better of the two crappy situations’.
Then there’s the voice of reason that knows and understands now that to feel better is to actually use your energies to do something you like, which feels not good before you decide to do it but feels really great while you’re doing it. And to try to not forget this part in the moment.
Right now I am still complaining about why this has to be so, not quite at the stage of fully accepting this drudgery of the human brain trying to navigate human experiences and hating on it basically. But I suppose that means there’s even greater happiness to be had when I get the hang of this whole accepting thing. Great.
In any case, forgetting about the negative thing and letting it go, would probably stop that neuron from firing and dyeing off. Yay. But in the moment before I accept it, I need to process it and have a bit of anger or whatever emotion you have that moves you up the emotional scale. Or is it to say, you don’t need to do that and you can just bury it and forget about it, not spending any more of your time on it and just distract yourself with the art and healthy thing. Anyone have any thoughts on it?
Well, I love art so much, I dream about being able to fully express myself and maybe I’m already there. I am trying to really move past the negative brainwashing that still haunts me to this day, feelings of hurt and pain from not being encouraged, this thing which means so much to me was not appreciated which I still don’t know how to get rid of. So every time, before I draw I need to really hunker down and overcome this massive mountain. It used to be imposter syndrome, but now it’s just that inner voice in response to some careless comment many years ago. Petty yes, forgiving? Not yet. Help me universe and guide me to finally letting this go, accepting it and moving onto greater things.
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