This is a momentous day worth celebrating. I would like to add my own spin to the quote by Mark Twin that the two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you figure out why…[addition: and the day you figure out you can make yourself happy and no longer suffer the effects of your trauma – little or big T].
I have always heard the advice, ‘you have to be whole’, ‘you have to make yourself happy’, ‘happiness is your responsibility, no one can make you happy’. I think I finally am starting to understand what this means and how important it is, in life and in relationships.
Reading that book, adult children of immature parents, I identify with being a mix of internaliser and externaliser. I am more on the extreme side or externaliser with some mild forms of internalising. As an externaliser, I seek help and to have my needs from the outside, to other people, constantly asking them for help and understandably they will feel exhausted. I will blame the circumstances for my problems and wish them to change. This is futile as I have come to realise, maybe there is a short amount of time where I feel a tiny bit better voicing my problems out to get it off my chest, but the problem still stands until I take action towards a solution. And no solution will come about without me first taking action.
I have heard this advice before, possibly every advice under the sun. The practice of taking responsibility. For me it happened more when I moved out and had to become more independent. Practising being alone and having nobody to lean on when things happened. Well I did have books, and people were very nice, but really they were miles away and there was a greater sense that it’s just me protecting me and though I wanted to have someone to solve my problems for me, know what was on my mind, lift me up when I was sad, or any other needs I didn’t want to do myself, no matter how much I sought them or talked to them…nothing would change. And ordinarily nothing would change, I would just repeat the same thing over and over, without developing the habit of doing it myself. What was different this time?
Honestly I don’t think it was ‘this time’, I think it was a build up of many times, practised again and again. Reflection is a big one, I totally agree that without reflection, nothing changes. Yesterday I had a big breakthrough, because I was not working and running out of savings, I was super stressed and had to really push my illustration stuff forward. I always make plans but never action them out, but this time I really had to otherwise I would have to go back to work – which I saw as a threat to my illustration dream. I just knew that I wouldn’t have so much free time anymore, which is immensely precious to me. So I had to really focus on doing the plan that I wrote over and over again. The same thing: to do illustrations, fashion photography, commissions for luxury brands, build a store to sell art prints, sell digital products and art materials like sketchbooks and paints, beauty blogging, courses and maybe some life coaching stuff.
And then I’ve been reading this book by Norman Vincent Peale Stay alive all your life and it helped me so much. After everything, all the searching, learning, seeking I realise I was driven by my negative thinking, every time a fear popped up, I would take it as truth and proceed to search to solve it, I would find problems and issues where there were none.
And when I just stayed still and focused on working on my goals, really trying to relax and enjoy the moment, going back to art, going out and buying groceries, cooking a new recipe that tasted delicious and talking and laughing with friends, ticking off the stuff that I have been talking about for ages and making progress…the stormy clouds lifted and I felt so happy. So happy.
By the end of the day, (one day!), after doing all those things, experiencing the moment, staying busy and not thinking or analysing things in my head, I went to bed supremely happy. So happy in fact that my body was tingling, tingling and shaking by how foreign this felt. My face was very warm, my whole body was energised I felt like I had happy and energetic atoms wizzing about and all I wanted to do was sleep and rest feeling calm, at peace and happy. This was a feeling I have never felt before, to this extent. I have done things momentarily where I felt euphoric and happy, mostly from doing the things I said I wanted to do and waking up early for it, being disciplined and not just saying what I want and not doing it, but this time because of the sustained actions throughout the whole day, one after another it resulted in this strange feeling I have never felt, completely and utterly satisfied and at that moment I realised, I did not seek anything from anyone and I was completely happy on my own. Wow.
What a wonderful feeling and how can I have it again? In that moment I was joyful and had no problems. I did not think about anything other than what I felt I needed and wanted to do. Listening to my needs and me taking action on it makes me happy.
I am so very grateful that I get to experience this, not in the context of a relationship. Grateful for all the times things did not work out, as intuitively I guess I knew what I needed all along, all I had to do was surrender and not resist it. To listen to my intuition and really focus on it with discipline and do the things I always talk about. I think it is the negative thinking in the way, and if there is not outside stimuli forcing you to do the things, positive thinking would be what helps it move along. I read a quote
Do not follow the negative thinking, stay still and focus on the thing I am doing in the moment
Try to interpret everything from a different perspective, a positive one
Repetition exercise, scripting my ideal life, every day
Allow the resistance as I attempt new things and bring in new experiences, this means things are changing for the good. Being comfortable with the uncomfortable.