One of the most amazing things happened today. I started to focus on myself, doing the things that I want to do and need instead of trying to get it from someone else. And everything changed.
I know that it is an oft-given advice, to just be yourself and do what you like. I know intellectually that is the way, but also deep down there is resistance to this. It feels as natural as coughing when your throat is tingly or sneezing when something is in the air. And for this, my inclination is to seek my needs elsewhere, as if I was not capable give it to myself. I AM capable of giving it to myself, and my brain takes a while to override that impulse.
It feels like a well worn route at the moment, this knee jerk reaction to seek from the outside, letting my brain run it’s well practised routine of self blame and negative thinking spiral down further. But the interesting thing is, it feels like I also have my own saviour here too, that intuitive voice that seems to hold onto the steering wheel and drive things forward, unbeknownst to the impulsive area of the brain. Inside I have a tug of war going on…well more like a heavy load I’m trying to pull up the mountain…but with every step I take in the right direction it is getting easier and easier. I am so surprised at the effectiveness, like as if it’s been storming for ages and suddenly without much effort at all, suddenly the clouds part and sun comes out – all in a moments time and all because I’ve finally given up on trying and just letting it go. So giving up is the smart thing to do. Not giving up on your desires, but giving up on the chosen method which is getting too hard. Overcoming resistance so it can be easy. The only hard thing is overcoming the mind and surrendering makes it easy. Everything…just…works. Letting myself feel deserving of that thing I want, makes everything easy.
And I am practising this, with intention, but I don’t know whether I can remember to snap out of the trance. I am very grateful to all the people who ignore me, so that I can go through the pain and out the other side, growing in the process. I know that if I practise it enough, it will start to become second nature and I can emerge the other side forgetting this once occupied by everyday in the past. Where once I complained, now it is a thing of the past and I look forward to more peace in my life.
I love this post by Nabela, she says:
hope is the foundation for all miraclesNabela
And I believe that. To be hopeful is what I feel now. Really understanding that there is no one else around to look after me, and really I am that person who I am looking for, gives me so much happiness. That is what I realised after getting Covid, when I moved out and for the first time in my life, nobody was around to take care of me. And I made it through. It called me to really listen in and tune into what I needed, and I could feel all of it, and I could nurture all of it and give it what it needs. I was incredibly happy. Nothing I buy or achieve could compare to that. Giving myself fully what I needed and taking this time completely to myself and then seeing myself heal was an eye opening experience.
I have been using this app called ‘ThinkUp’. It’s so worth it. There is a free version and I got the paid one so I can record more than three affirmations. Every time I use this app, it changes my world. Literally all the therapy, courses etc give me the understanding but really this is the key, changing the limiting beliefs that determine all the outcomes you create. I didn’t really how much of my thoughts were really unconscious beliefs that were negative about myself, and repeating them over and over in mind as if to call out ‘help me, I’m ____…my problem is I ____, I’m ____.’ Is like shouting from the rooftop ‘fire!’ And no one can help. In reality, there is no fire, it is all in the mind is the freakiest thing I know. I’ve said to my therapist it’s like The Truman Show. Everything I know to be true is not. And now I realise, everything I have said about myself that is negative was probably a problem I once had, but it wont be anymore by stopping thinking about it, because no one will be there to solve it if you say it aloud to yourself or others. And actually it’s not indicative of my future possibilities and potential.
What what I say to myself IS a future possibility because everything you imagine is real. Solving mind problems is not like anything in real life, it’s like another dimension. Another set of rules. Ignore the ‘problem’ and it will go away. Brainwash yourself by repeating it’s opposite (the solution) and all will be good. Do the opposite, go with your first impulsive desire (when it is safe), do the new thing. Don’t listen to the voice that’s trying to protect you by honing in on the fears. It is all so illogical.
I’m still working through it all, but the greatest mind boggle is thinking I am unworthy, that one ‘truth’ that underpins all the other deductions made because of it screws everything up. And to flip that switch over the correct side ‘I am worthy, I am enough, I am good’ changes everything back to the right way up. That one statement I am trying to brainwash myself with these affirmations lead to the greatest sense of inner peace I feel. The belief ‘I am unworthy’ is like the thing that is foreign in my mind/body/spirit that needs to be gotten rid of and it’s symptoms can be felt in multitude of ways. That’s the source of it all I feel. And maybe it’s as simple as repeating it to myself over and over again. If I am worthy it means that I am not bad, I am good. If I am bad I feel bad, if I am good I feel fine like nothing is wrong. Nothing IS wrong. What’s wrong is thinking there’s something that’s wrong. Total mind boggle really.
I am loved even through all my flaws and mistakes, unconditionally and it is beautiful. It connects to emotional regulation I reckon, that warped cycle I am determined to break. To be free to hope, be at peace and trust that everything will be ok and that I am safe. I am good and I am loved. It’s like the best thing about religion, giving people that sense of peace. I am so grateful for this spirituality, which I am still discovering more about. Grateful for this journey and consciousness, this awakening which I intuitively or subconsciously knew that it was coming all along, and that everything will be understood and ok when it arrived. It is lifelong and I am learning to be ok with not being there, that all I need is love, and lacking anything is ok as long as there is love.
I also just realised, maybe there needs to be a slight pause, to turn a criticism into an affirmation. Instead of just directly saying the problem, ‘you are bad’, change it to it’s opposite ‘you are good’. To help them or yourself to realise this new step forward. And maybe if your surroundings have always been the former you can help them as well by saying ‘I know you can’. I have heard this somewhere before but now it’s just becoming clearer to me.
I have all my own recordings which I will probably record somewhere and upload it here. I think it is an interesting snapshot of the kinds of things I am wanting to think at this moment. And in the future will be the new natural routine or way of thinking and this recording will be somewhat a relic of a bygone time, to maybe help someone else coming along this path.
Affirmation: I am good enough as I am right now to have what I desire. I AM that person I wish to be. How I am right now is good enough.
Listening to: affirmation recordings in my own voice.
Loving: These little clay pieces from @_claysydney_ (instagram)